Monday, May 01, 2006

"Wait, I have spaghetti and meatballs on me"

This was Andy's comment about 3 minutes ago...Lemme let you in on the reality:
He was holding a raw celery, um rib(?) in one hand and a peanut-butter schmereing knife in the other. Spaghetti? Meatballs? Ri-i-i-ight.

Andy is trying an "alternative sleep pattern" to increase productivity, or something. Today was day one. Let's just say his world is a little tweeked right now. Maybe drinking the Lambic wasn't the brightest thing we coulda done? But it was the Peche...yummy peach...second only to my favorite, Frambois (raspberry). Le sigh...

My thumb hurts. I cut it while chopping carrots. It's on the road to being infected, or healing, or something. If we add this to the fact that I BURNED my, um, "pointing"/index (?) finger's first knuckle ummm day before yesterday? Yeah, the kitchen HATES me. Sleep deprivation Andy cooked.

So I'm facing another "bad" day. I usually post about them the day of or even the day know, the anniversary of the day we beat the crap outta one another, the anniversary of the official divorce decree date...this one is hard. It shares a holiday. As Ahnee would say, "mudda-fadda."

My 2nd official "unanniversary" is the same day as mexican mom's day, the 10th of May. Try as I might, the date doesn't seem to be getting any further away. I'm crabby and depressed and short-fused and it's great I'm actually like acknowledging all these horrid feelings and actions, knowing is half the battle (GI JOE!!!) after all, but damn damn damn, I can't do anything about it!

In my head I'm having rehashings of fights and conversations and I'm still grasping at straws trying to track down where it all went wrong and was it all me? Of course there is the anger and hello! Why? This didn't happen yesterday! I did say 2nd quote Wayne's World, "WE BROKE UP!" And hey, well, yeah, this is not exactly my first breakup. Just maybe the nastiest, overinvolved, spite-filled, know the deal.

I guess it's the time invested? The fact that we did the marriage thing even though it was really for my family's sake? The family he never gave a shit about? Hey, he said it. Family shfamily. I think I still have a bit of anger about the whole reason behind getting hitched. One of the many reasons I opted NOT to go back to LA when all was said and done. Time + Distance = Healing. It still pisses me off that to do the "right" thing, the "good daughter" thing, "that which my family expected of me" thing, the "list" thing, was to marry someone when neither of us really wanted to. Can we say bitter? Can we say ammunition for when it all hit the fan? Can we say 1,156 miles from the people who "insisted" lest I be "excommunicated" from the clan? I knew you could.

Last year I celebrated with Richard, having a wonderful lunch and toasting to putting it all behind me and etc. I'm not sure what to do this year. Richard is about 1,150 miles too far south. Maybe some Lambic + Andy & Tim. Unless I get a positive call from the HR folk at the library, it might just be spent filling out another job application. Oh, and knitting of course. Cuz I'm obsessed, and that's okay, it takes my mind away from things such as Bender's, "Kill all the humans. (Snore) Hey good looking, you wanna help me kill all the humans?" feelings.

Oh and Happy May Day! :)


Rebekah said...

Ouch, sounds lik eyour having some rough times. Well I'll hope that May goes by so quickly it'll make your head spin, and onto a better month.

jillian said...

I hope the day passes and quickly as painlessly as possible! And on to better ones!