Saturday, May 03, 2008

Do "Bad Things" Happen in 3s or 6s?

Disclaimer:
I think this post got away from me...but I've decided not to delete or edit out the extra. It is terribly long, with no pictures, and has absolutely nothing to do with knitting, but I think it was time for it to come out.

I never thought of myself as superstitious. Can you blame me? I grew up in and around so much folklore and superstition it boggled my mind when, upon meeting people who didn't grow up just like me, just how provincial-old-world-supercalifragilistically-stitious I was.

I tried to ween myself off of most of it, but well, um, well, I can't. Yeah, I believe in ghosts... and then there are red moons and of course there was that time when I thought the head (on a silver platter no less) of John the Baptist was chasing me down the hallways of my old high school that summer I was 9 and helping my mom clean the nun's quarters...the stories I keep meaning to tell and then don't, I know.

So is it three years of bad luck and 6 of good? Things happen in 3s of course, but bad things as well as good? Or is it just bad things? Do they have to happen directly to me or do close family and friends count? How far apart do they have to happen? It's silly that I need to find a way to label series of happenings. It's a way of controlling things you can't control, I guess.

If I name a thing, does it really go away? I think that was something my mom said so I wouldn't keep things bottled up inside. In my family we are very good at keeping things bottled up, tension rising until BOOM! Drama galore. Or best yet, taking all the anger you've kept from showing to peeps at work and friends and BOOM! Right at your family cuz, yeah, they can't fire you or stop being your family, no matter how much you might want to divorce them! Ah those horrible teen years...

So as I keep baring my soul to the universe here, I think I want to list out the bad and the good to keep my universe/karma/yin-yang ratio clear. And no bottling...with the amount of ranting I do on here I'm sure I've got that on a good level.

Have I mentioned my godmother is doing better? I was finally able to send her flowers as she was moved out of ICU (which was the bad bad bad). I think that whole situation may have started my brain rolling on the good and bad that is going on in my life.

Another good is my "new" old job. I am WAY overwhelmed with my new duties, (bad?) but I can see how I will like it much more than data entry and filing.

And then there is the big bad that I've been "la-la-la-ing" for a while now. It's all hear-say and conjecture on my part because, as with most one-sided things that are rolling around in my head, I have no solid evidence. But that doesn't keep me from forming a theory: I think my older brother has stopped all communication with me. You know, the one who commented back in December? The one whose comment was the straw that just broke me after all of the big-badda-boom bad that was going on during that time? So I posted that other post to just let it all out?

So maybe you can't divorce your family, but you sure can pretend they don't exist. Or so I'm guessing is his solution. I kinda wish he'd let me know for sure though, for closure.

I think it was at the end of March that I realized we hadn't spoken or emailed since "the incident." Right, three months. See, I was talking to my mom while doing my grocery shopping when I asked her what she was doing for Bunny day. She said they were combining Easter with my SIL's b-day party and I went "crapcrapcrapcrap" (in my head), and asked when it was as I no longer had my brain to tell me such things as EVERYONE's birthdays (technology sucks). So I asked my mom to give my SIL birthday wishes/greetings from me. And then, there in the bread aisle, it all clicked into place -- I'd heard nothing from my brother since receiving his xmas card with some CA state lottery tickets inside.

Nothing.

I'd emailed him a couple times but (and this is kinda bad on my part...) hadn't noticed he didn't reply. I can chalk it up to one of the messages being about my lil' bro's birthday present and my lil' bro and I went off on 20 to 30 emails for details and specifics and I kinda just didn't notice the lack of older brother's responses...Then there was the bigger clue that I totally spaced...there was no word/email/card from him for my birthday. But it's not like I'm turning 12 and need to be reminded I'm older, right? I would have done something about it then, but that was also the conversation where my mom brought up the fact that my godmother was in the hospital and yeah, my brain tucked everything else aside for that bit of news.

But now it's a month-plus later and one more email incident that kinda clinched it for me. My first name and my SILs are very similar. Auto-fill can easily send things to my inbox instead of hers -- from my older brother's computer at work that is. I tend to let him know when those incidents happen and that's usually when we "chat" via email and catch up. You can tell we are not regular correspondents.

Well, I got a misdirected email from him the other day. I let him know it wasn't for me and then...silence. No word. No thanks, not even a "stay away from me and my family and never email me again, bitch!"

Nothing.

From my mom I hear that things are going well with them--as in her relationship with my older brother and SIL. I bring this up because I am not their next-door neighbor, she is. I live 1,144 miles away. I am a birthday/xmas relation. If he/they want to pretend I don't exist but their relationship with my mom is good? It's not really going to affect me.

I checked out of "casa de mom and dad" when I was 18. I have not lived full-time in LA since then. It's been 16 years. Who I am right now, at 34 years old, is not the same person I was then. I've been trying to piece this out here and in my journals and in my head. I keep coming back to something my mom told me oh so very long ago, what the original purpose was I couldn't say. I think it had something to do with family and maybe even 1,000 mile relations down in Mexico, I know it fits, "Not everyone is going to like you, not everyone HAS to like you, but that doesn't mean you have to treat them badly or not like them back."

So now my brother, possibly through my blog, knows me for who I really am. Knows all the secrets I've given out to the universe. Shared all that someone who grew up so very conservatively should never have. And he doesn't like what he sees. I've already apologized...but if I wouldn't even change for the guy I married? Why would I change for anyone else but me?

I know, I am a horrible person. I've been told so all my life. I do not do as I am told. I break so many rules, and maybe my mom's heart, on a fairly consistent and regular basis. I am very selfish. I have a sense of humor only I understand. I am sarcastic. I will lie to you if it means I can avoid hurting you. I will lie to you if it means I can hurt you for hurting me. I am tactlessly honest. I am tired of living for other people.

So if all this has to happen so the universe can keep itself from coming apart at the seams, I'm not going to stop it, but please note I'm acknowledging it and putting in my $.02, for what they're worth (not much with the falling dollar...).

2 comments:

Beth said...

I hope it's just that your brother is busy. That could be it.

Olga said...

Family's are a weird bunch. I never talk to my brothers except if I happen to see them when I visit my mom once a year. We have no bad feeling towards each other, we just have no nuthin with each other, which in itself I guess is strange.But doesn't bother any of us! Anyway, your not horrible or anything-your normal. Everyone is selfish and does boneheaded stuff, 'cuz we are humans. If you were ax murdering your Grandma- well then- your are a monster.But just living and doing the best you can everyday- cut yourself a break.
in NM all the kids are scared of La Larona(sp?) that she'll come get you at night!