Telephone Etiquette

(Even after putting this off a few days I'm still a bit pissy about the subject...deep seeded trauma? Maybe.)

Okay, for the younger readers:
I come from the generation where not everyone in your family owned a telephone. This was back in the day when it was Ma Bell. Phones were "leased" and yeah, it was powder blue with a rotary dial and our name AND telephone number "professionally" imprinted under that middle disk of plastic. No, I didn't have a "name" number. For as long as I can remember my parents' number has been the same 7 digits. The area code? ALL of LA was 213. I think I was in Mexico, or getting ready to leave for it on the sailboat when I had no contact with the 'rents thanks to that "breakup." I also lived through the "own your own phone" bit. Ma Bell had been "reorganized" and we were AT&T folk, while central CA became Pac Bell and San Dog was South Bell, or something...at least I remember going into their store and my mom almost fainting at the prices they were charging as we had to BUY our own telephone--what a concept. Now it's a wonder if you actually HAVE a telephone line, as more and more people do the "cell-phone-only" or internet phone thing. Well, seeing as the phone companies want your first-born these days, it's no wonder.

Somewhere in all this, something big has been lost...
<<<--begin rant-->>>

When I was finally deemed "old" enough by my parents to answer the telephone, there was a little ritual I was taught:

1. Let the phone ring at least twice before answering.
2. Clear your throat BEFORE putting the mouthpiece anywhere near you. Maybe even during that first ring?
3. Speak CLEARLY.
4. As this was a bilingual family, make sure that first "hello" is as indiscriminately as Spangilsh as you can get it...my best friend from grammar school described it as sounding a lot like "yell-oo?"
5. DO NOT DO ANYTHING ON YOUR END OF THE PHONE THAT MAKES ANY WEIRD OR RUDE SOUNDS.

Right, so, am I some kind of weirdo alien girl for following these little rules in the professional world? (except for #4, that really and truly is only reserved for answering the phone at my parents' house, still.) I mean, as a teacher I had the amusing task of calling parents (far too often) and not only was I required to be extra patient as they told me off, but I spoke extra clearly when I described junior and her intense need to write evil things in slam books about others who weren't in my class. Fun times.

This was me, the professional, speaking with parents, who didn't have to be professionals. I gave them tons of slack.

Okay, so now we come to my current temp. assignment where 90% of my job is answering and transferring calls. One professional to another. Seriously, only .00005% of the people who call in through me are personal calls. What I have learned to do is answer the phone, wait for their schtick or schpeal where they tell me who they are and who they represent and all kinds of useless information that FINALLY culminates in telling me to whom I should transfer them. Once I hear this bit and tell them, "I'll transfer you," I hold the phone FAR away from my ear as I punch in the number and transfer.

Why? So as to miss the clearing of throats, coughs, rude/crude/nasty comments to others who must be near them, and of course the lovely clearing of nasal passages, either into tissues or the precursor to the hocking of lugies, as it were.

Yes, they do this, ALL THE TIME. No, not just the guys.

Sometimes I'm not so lucky, I answer the phone and just as I finish announcing the company name, JUST AFTER, mind, they COUGH or CLEAR THEIR THROATS right into the receiver, and then start talking. I mean the nasty something-is-living-in-my-esophagus cough. The I've-been-smoking-since-I-was-twelve clearing of throat. (or vice versa)

Do I tell them they're being rude? Cuz Andy? He was all about me saying something.

Of course I do people! IF I hear it. Thus the "put receiver as far from me as possible" maneuver. When one girl thought she was on hold as I was typing in the person she was looking for, she said something nasty about her period.
I said, "you do know you're not on hold."
"OH, Uhm I'm not?"

No, "I'm sorry." No, "Oh did I offend." No nothin'. Thus, again, the receiver bit.

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON OUT THERE!
It pisses me off that I have to deal with this shit on a daily basis!
WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO COMMON MANNERS?
What has happened to common sense???
YOU DO NOT MAKE AN ASS OF YOURSELF IF YOU ARE TRYING TO DO BUSINESS!!!

I have to wonder if these are the kind of people who are picking their noses cuz, hey, no one can see me. Are they painting their nails or surfing for porn at the same time? Are they watching a DVD on their personal players with their feet up and a mile of numbers to call in a day? Are they stuck in a stiflingly hot windowless room with 50 other people trying not to sound like telemarketers??? I don't know. But you know what? I DON'T CARE. Nothing gives them the excuse to forget that there is someone else on the other end of the damn telephone line. Someone who does not appreciate their sound effects or comments. They soooo don't pay me enough to put up with that.

ENOUGH ALREADY. If I pulled any of that shit I'd be fired. Hey, I'd fire me.

<<<--Deep breath. Rant done.-->>>

I have one more day of reprieve. Yes, they gave everyone a 5-day weekend. Don't hate, remember, I'm a temp., I don't get paid for ANY of this time off. My grand goal today is to finish cleaning out the garage and then take a trip to any/one/all three(?) knitting stores to the south of me for those elusive needles.