So I got a random email on my tactless account that doesn't seem like spam as they mentioned reading my blog (and liking it even), but I don't know this person and it looks like an anonymous emailer with no real history on the interwebs (it really does help that I was surrounded by the nicest of computer geeks for many years) and really I'm cool with that. It's not like I've posted my name address and serial number on this blog or anything.
It's also not like they've asked me to send them a naughty picture.
Instead this person (since they didn't use the comment section of the blog I'm guessing they are not as outspoken as I/me and so I'll keep their anonymity as well) asked why I go hog wild about posting other peoples' pictures, but they can't find one of me on my blog.
Um, I'm really shy?
Okay, maybe in real life I giggle so much through my first conversation with you that you'll think I was on happy gas just before our meeting, but on the web? Yeah, I kinda "bare all" a little too much to be considered shy. But maybe only having my backside facing the world (my profile picture) gives me that freedom. It's the bartender/stranger syndrome. Only with millions of possible bartenders/strangers.
Besides, if I can't see you, it's only fair, right?
By the way, that is NOT an invitation to send me your picture.
-Naughty or nice :).
Friday, May 30, 2008
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Not Running Outta Yarn Anytime Soon...
No, I have not gone "stash" enhancing.
Nor have I won any yarn contests.
I've even been knitting...boy have I been knitting...just go ahead and ask me about what happens when I'm just about finished...
It's a sickness.
I can't stop ripping almost finished things back to cushy little wound up balls of yarn. There are many reasons: dropped stitches, don't like the look of the thing, wrong color, and the latest? Would not fit a smurf, much less the intended recipient.
Really. Andy's hat? The one I mentioned a million years ago? On my nightstand as half-wound skeins and even only quarter-wound cakes of yarn. I'm wondering if I'll ever get back to it. I thought I'd have enough yarn...and I would have too, if Andy's head was ten times smaller. Yep, TOO DAMNED SMALL. The problem is simple, I was working solely from the delusion that all sock yarn is the same width, and the swiss cheese I call my memory.
All I was trying to do was knit him a "copy" of his current hat, one I made him what feels like a two million years ago. The secret is knowing what sized needles I used. Remind me not to become a knitting detective when I grow up. It took me three tries (a couple different kinds/balls of yarn even) to remember I STARTED knitting that "series" of hats with the 3.0mm needles I'd bought in Mexico. They were the only needles I had at the time.
But that selection of finished hats went something like this: First one, to my nephew as it was too itty bitty. So I tried again with more stitches...that one went to my niece. It really was "third time's the charm."
Right, cuz that's how long it took to realize that I needed to cast on 144 stitches using size 2 .75 mm bamboo needles for Lorna's Laces yarn. Oh and by the way? Right, all this time I was cursing myself for not noting what sized needles I used? HA HA HA, I am such a loser: it really is all listed in this ancient POST.
All would be well in the world if I just took out some Lorna's and US2s then, right? Only well, I don't have any and I am lazy and I'd already started it with something else. Might as well continue, or something, blah blah blah, all sock yarn is about the same size, right?
Let me clue you in on a secret here, not all fingering yarns knit at the same gauge. NO REALLY! It boggles my mind at times that I hold a Master of Arts degree from Stanford and miss that little tidbit thus far in my knitting career.
And yup, that's right, even using the 3.0mm needles...somewhere between a US 2 and a 3 were still TOO SMALL and that's why, unseamed, when I tried stretching the hat out on Andy's noggin' tonight? HA HA HA HA! No dice. Do not buy a lottery ticket, your luck stinks!
For the life of me, I cannot find my US 3s...or rather, could not. I just realized where they are, this very second. So let's rewind:
For the life of me I could not find my US 3 straight bamboos (I knit these hats flat) so I had convinced myself I did not own US 3s and therefore had to HAD TO use US 2s or, if willing to use some form of metal, those aforementioned 3.0 mm ones. Simple logic, Occam's razor, etc. so forth; I can do it! All I need to do is knit, um LOOSER!! That can't be too hard, right?
Lemme tell ya' about my tight knitting... You could carry water in the socks I just knit Andy.
So yeah, just minutes ago I dug up a 16" circular US 3. I've given up on the whole "knit it flat an seam it" strategy. Those extra 2 stitches may become the deciding factor in whether or not they fit Andy's head. I swear, he's made it grow bigger just to spite me, yes, that must be it!
Urgh. Must sleep now.
Nor have I won any yarn contests.
I've even been knitting...boy have I been knitting...just go ahead and ask me about what happens when I'm just about finished...
It's a sickness.
I can't stop ripping almost finished things back to cushy little wound up balls of yarn. There are many reasons: dropped stitches, don't like the look of the thing, wrong color, and the latest? Would not fit a smurf, much less the intended recipient.
Really. Andy's hat? The one I mentioned a million years ago? On my nightstand as half-wound skeins and even only quarter-wound cakes of yarn. I'm wondering if I'll ever get back to it. I thought I'd have enough yarn...and I would have too, if Andy's head was ten times smaller. Yep, TOO DAMNED SMALL. The problem is simple, I was working solely from the delusion that all sock yarn is the same width, and the swiss cheese I call my memory.
All I was trying to do was knit him a "copy" of his current hat, one I made him what feels like a two million years ago. The secret is knowing what sized needles I used. Remind me not to become a knitting detective when I grow up. It took me three tries (a couple different kinds/balls of yarn even) to remember I STARTED knitting that "series" of hats with the 3.0mm needles I'd bought in Mexico. They were the only needles I had at the time.
But that selection of finished hats went something like this: First one, to my nephew as it was too itty bitty. So I tried again with more stitches...that one went to my niece. It really was "third time's the charm."
Right, cuz that's how long it took to realize that I needed to cast on 144 stitches using size 2 .75 mm bamboo needles for Lorna's Laces yarn. Oh and by the way? Right, all this time I was cursing myself for not noting what sized needles I used? HA HA HA, I am such a loser: it really is all listed in this ancient POST.
All would be well in the world if I just took out some Lorna's and US2s then, right? Only well, I don't have any and I am lazy and I'd already started it with something else. Might as well continue, or something, blah blah blah, all sock yarn is about the same size, right?
Let me clue you in on a secret here, not all fingering yarns knit at the same gauge. NO REALLY! It boggles my mind at times that I hold a Master of Arts degree from Stanford and miss that little tidbit thus far in my knitting career.
And yup, that's right, even using the 3.0mm needles...somewhere between a US 2 and a 3 were still TOO SMALL and that's why, unseamed, when I tried stretching the hat out on Andy's noggin' tonight? HA HA HA HA! No dice. Do not buy a lottery ticket, your luck stinks!
For the life of me, I cannot find my US 3s...or rather, could not. I just realized where they are, this very second. So let's rewind:
For the life of me I could not find my US 3 straight bamboos (I knit these hats flat) so I had convinced myself I did not own US 3s and therefore had to HAD TO use US 2s or, if willing to use some form of metal, those aforementioned 3.0 mm ones. Simple logic, Occam's razor, etc. so forth; I can do it! All I need to do is knit, um LOOSER!! That can't be too hard, right?
Lemme tell ya' about my tight knitting... You could carry water in the socks I just knit Andy.
So yeah, just minutes ago I dug up a 16" circular US 3. I've given up on the whole "knit it flat an seam it" strategy. Those extra 2 stitches may become the deciding factor in whether or not they fit Andy's head. I swear, he's made it grow bigger just to spite me, yes, that must be it!
Urgh. Must sleep now.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
When the Lights Go Out...
I don't know what Oingo Boingo had in mind when their lights go out (okay, I'm being facetious here), but when the lights go out, while I'm in the middle of marinading chicken? There was no fun to be had.
A transformer blew.
No blogging.
No knitting.
No reading.
No reruns of Lost (ABC.com how I lurv your ability to distract me from my day).
The only thing that kept me from totally throwing in the towel was the fact that there are three different um, grids? lines? transformers maybe? that feed the building's 'lectricity. One of them being in my kitchen where the fridge, coffee maker, and microwave plugged in. So while I could make you a cup of coffee nuke you some nonexistent left-overs, or feed you ice cream by glorious fat IKEAcandles candlelight? I could not cook my chicken on the electric stove or take a shower thanks to the electric hot water heater. If the temperatures dropped I'd have had to grin and bear it and put on more clothes as it's all electric baybee, even the fake fire place.
Nothing like losing the light juice to survey just how pathetic your life can get without it.
I would share a picture, but all you'd see is a black square (I was freaked out that the coffee maker and microwave were telling me what time it was in the dark kitchen so I thought--I'll take a picture and send it to Andy so he can tell me what's going on---before remembering that computers require lekeltricity as well...urgh).
The joys of living in a city though, we got power back at 3 AM--sorry about forgetting I'd turned on your bedside lamp, Andy!
Yey warm showers in the AM, but I am so completely thrown off my schedule...Funny how a little darkness can do that.
A transformer blew.
No blogging.
No knitting.
No reading.
No reruns of Lost (ABC.com how I lurv your ability to distract me from my day).
The only thing that kept me from totally throwing in the towel was the fact that there are three different um, grids? lines? transformers maybe? that feed the building's 'lectricity. One of them being in my kitchen where the fridge, coffee maker, and microwave plugged in. So while I could make you a cup of coffee nuke you some nonexistent left-overs, or feed you ice cream by glorious fat IKEAcandles candlelight? I could not cook my chicken on the electric stove or take a shower thanks to the electric hot water heater. If the temperatures dropped I'd have had to grin and bear it and put on more clothes as it's all electric baybee, even the fake fire place.
Nothing like losing the light juice to survey just how pathetic your life can get without it.
I would share a picture, but all you'd see is a black square (I was freaked out that the coffee maker and microwave were telling me what time it was in the dark kitchen so I thought--I'll take a picture and send it to Andy so he can tell me what's going on---before remembering that computers require lekeltricity as well...urgh).
The joys of living in a city though, we got power back at 3 AM--sorry about forgetting I'd turned on your bedside lamp, Andy!
Yey warm showers in the AM, but I am so completely thrown off my schedule...Funny how a little darkness can do that.
Monday, May 19, 2008
Ah, All Caught Up...
Okay, nobody post for a few hours, all right?
I finally caught up with my bloglines for the last week...and change. I am definitely getting better with my responsibilities when it comes to closing out the month at work, except, of course, when co-workers feel that it's the perfect time to go on vacation! What balls. Brass ones. With chimes, like those cool Baoding Balls I used to have in college...and what ever happened to them??? Of all the things I've lost thus far...I really do miss my mind the most.
Right, where was I? Oh yeah, complaining and whining and all that jazz. Andy tells me that if it weren't for that horrific co-worker, it'd just be something else I'd have to find contention with. I am a drama magnet, apparently. What fun! Is that my super-power? I'll pass, thanks.
Instead I'll talk about my one and only FO for 2008...no really! I went back and checked; the last time I posted finished pictures of anything was back in January, and they were xmas prezzies for L&L that were delivered before they went off to celebrate with their families. So yeah, 5 months in the making, my first Finished Object of the year. I give you:
Okay, so that's not Andy modeling them. He was, ahem, too busy playing Grand Theft Auto IV doing more important things than humoring my foot picture taking tendencies at the tail end of a very long Monday.
I don't blame him. It may only be just shy of 70 degrees,(at 9 PM) but it's almost 70% humidity, and if you asked me to put on wool socks in this weather just so you could show the pictures to your invisible internet friends? Right, as much as I love you, so not gonna happen.
It's been so long since I posted a finished project I almost forgot about the stats and stuff:
YARN: Lorna's Laces in Safari, which is also the exact same yarn/color scheme I made his first hat out of, with my never-ending bits of Charcoal at the ends for some symmetry. So now if Andy wants to wear both knitted objects at once, at least he will match :).
SHARP POINTY THINGS: US 1 cheapy metal DPNS that I've started to bend thanks to my uber-tight knitting prowess! Oops.
PATTERN: One I've knit 3xs, it would seem. Garter Ribbed Sock from Sensational Knitted Socks. I cast on 80 stitches and kept my fingers crossed. Both Lev and Andy have what I would call skinny-ish legs (compared to mine) but DA-UMN do they have these HUMUNGO ankle bones! So yeah, it was a close call both (all four?) times. I did mention my uber-tight knitting habit, yes? I'm working on that. Obviously I left the pattern stitch behind at the ankle and immensely enjoyed the ringing pattern (so easily amused). Why mess with what works.
If I knit these again? I mean like socks for people who wear size 13 shoes?Shoot me. I will remember to maybe use US3 needles or larger. Then maybe it won't be 5 months between finished object sightings, maybe?
I finally caught up with my bloglines for the last week...and change. I am definitely getting better with my responsibilities when it comes to closing out the month at work, except, of course, when co-workers feel that it's the perfect time to go on vacation! What balls. Brass ones. With chimes, like those cool Baoding Balls I used to have in college...and what ever happened to them??? Of all the things I've lost thus far...I really do miss my mind the most.
Right, where was I? Oh yeah, complaining and whining and all that jazz. Andy tells me that if it weren't for that horrific co-worker, it'd just be something else I'd have to find contention with. I am a drama magnet, apparently. What fun! Is that my super-power? I'll pass, thanks.
Instead I'll talk about my one and only FO for 2008...no really! I went back and checked; the last time I posted finished pictures of anything was back in January, and they were xmas prezzies for L&L that were delivered before they went off to celebrate with their families. So yeah, 5 months in the making, my first Finished Object of the year. I give you:
Socks for Andy!
Okay, so that's not Andy modeling them. He was, ahem, I don't blame him. It may only be just shy of 70 degrees,(at 9 PM) but it's almost 70% humidity, and if you asked me to put on wool socks in this weather just so you could show the pictures to your invisible internet friends? Right, as much as I love you, so not gonna happen.
It's been so long since I posted a finished project I almost forgot about the stats and stuff:
YARN: Lorna's Laces in Safari, which is also the exact same yarn/color scheme I made his first hat out of, with my never-ending bits of Charcoal at the ends for some symmetry. So now if Andy wants to wear both knitted objects at once, at least he will match :).
SHARP POINTY THINGS: US 1 cheapy metal DPNS that I've started to bend thanks to my uber-tight knitting prowess! Oops.
PATTERN: One I've knit 3xs, it would seem. Garter Ribbed Sock from Sensational Knitted Socks. I cast on 80 stitches and kept my fingers crossed. Both Lev and Andy have what I would call skinny-ish legs (compared to mine) but DA-UMN do they have these HUMUNGO ankle bones! So yeah, it was a close call both (all four?) times. I did mention my uber-tight knitting habit, yes? I'm working on that. Obviously I left the pattern stitch behind at the ankle and immensely enjoyed the ringing pattern (so easily amused). Why mess with what works.
If I knit these again? I mean like socks for people who wear size 13 shoes?
Friday, May 16, 2008
Blanca, Your Minister Called...
I was going to title this one, "How Do They Find Me" but really, they weren't looking for me, but someone named Blanca with my last name. And seeing as my last name is equivalent to Smith or Jones in Mexico, it doesn't surprise me.
However, when my direct line for work is called, I have to wonder who gave them my number seeing as it's not listed nor do I freely go adding my name and work number to places who might then call me AT WORK to leave voice-mails to please ATTEND THEIR CHURCH.
Do you know these people? Why did you have them call me? And, as the pastor was reading off a list, I think he may have mis-read his notes or got thrown off where he was, because he faltered when he got to saying who he was asking for. But that didn't keep him from pretending he knew whoever Blanca is and how he'd like her to meet him "tonight" and talk about Jesus with her.
Really, this was the message. I'd have digitized it and plugged it in here, but it was a) too much work, b) in Spanish and c) kinda creepy in that I'm calling to see if you're coming tonight and if you are, meet me outside on the platform so we can discuss your belief in Jesus-way.
BIG SIGH...
It's Aloha Friday, no work 'til Monday...la la la, la la-la...
However, when my direct line for work is called, I have to wonder who gave them my number seeing as it's not listed nor do I freely go adding my name and work number to places who might then call me AT WORK to leave voice-mails to please ATTEND THEIR CHURCH.
Do you know these people? Why did you have them call me? And, as the pastor was reading off a list, I think he may have mis-read his notes or got thrown off where he was, because he faltered when he got to saying who he was asking for. But that didn't keep him from pretending he knew whoever Blanca is and how he'd like her to meet him "tonight" and talk about Jesus with her.
Really, this was the message. I'd have digitized it and plugged it in here, but it was a) too much work, b) in Spanish and c) kinda creepy in that I'm calling to see if you're coming tonight and if you are, meet me outside on the platform so we can discuss your belief in Jesus-way.
BIG SIGH...
It's Aloha Friday, no work 'til Monday...la la la, la la-la...
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Making Friends Left & Right 'Round Here
So maybe we should reconsider the whole "moving" thing...
So I get into the elevator clutching my The Great Cruising Cookbook written by John C. Payne, the same fellow who wrote such greats as Understanding Boat Wiring, Batteries, and other things NOT cooking, but definitely boat related. Whatever, it was a free book and saved my unskilled cruising butt many times.
In the elevator clutching his case of light beer and groceries is the crusty smoker/older/non-student neighbor I've only ever smelled before--you know he has been in the elevator because you can smell the lingering smoke.
"LUXURY!"
So I get into the elevator clutching my The Great Cruising Cookbook written by John C. Payne, the same fellow who wrote such greats as Understanding Boat Wiring, Batteries, and other things NOT cooking, but definitely boat related. Whatever, it was a free book and saved my unskilled cruising butt many times.
In the elevator clutching his case of light beer and groceries is the crusty smoker/older/non-student neighbor I've only ever smelled before--you know he has been in the elevator because you can smell the lingering smoke.
"OH!" says he, "THE GREAT CRUISING COOKBOOK, EH?!?" Yes, he does speak in all caps in that old-man-yelling-but-not-yelling voice.This would be where Andy says I got into a pissing contest:
"Yes."
"'DON'T KNOW WHY YOU NEED A COOKBOOK, I WENT CRUISIN' AND ALL I USED IS CANS!"
"Oh. I went cruising and I couldn't really afford much in the way of cans, we bought and cooked what the locals ate."We've lived here almost a year and seriously that's the first time I've actually conversed with a neighbor...well, if you can call it that, and what do I do? Make him not like me. Good one, Ace. It really reminded me of that Monty Python bit, "Well, we lived IN the lake..."
"REALLY? WHERE?"
"I sailed from the San Francisco Delta area area down to Zihuatanejo."
"WELL, I WENT FROM HERE DOWN TO BAJA, AND FROM HAWAII OVER TO HERE."
"REALLY! I sailed from Mexico over to the Big Island in that same trip."
"WELL, I DID IT THE HARD WAY!"
And that's when we got to his floor and he stomped out.
"Have a good evening!" I said to his retreating back...no answer from him.
"LUXURY!"
Sunday, May 11, 2008
"Once Upon a Time Before the Rain Began..."
from "Tom's Diner" the a' capella version -Suzanne Vega
So when you have your music collection on iTunes set to shuffle, you know there is something just a little off with their "highly evolved" algorithm when "Whatcha Want" by the Beastie Boyz follows dark and dower Suzanne Vega...but then again, maybe the computer sensed that tonight was just not the night for me to dwell on the negative. I love the "angst" and "anger" of those white boys rappin'. It brings such a smile to my face just when I needed it the most.
"Yeea-ah."
This weekend has been a bit trying, on the inside. It is hard to be all festive for Messican mom's day (10 de mayo) when I have to be reminded of my misspent youth. See, Saturday was my
I know, I know, and yes, I can hear you all now (Ken, Kiko, Andy...maybe even Richard, though I did spend my 1st with you), I need to move on and not dwell on the past here, but um, yeah, I'm obviously not listening...Damn me with a thousand deaths, be ye not stupid and consider me the cautionary tale...etc, et al; doubling up such things like anniversaries with hallmark holidays? Especially one you will celebrate for, say your mom, cuz she's messican, and your mom? Not the brightest thing I've ever done.
So, yeah, until I'm over feeling stupid for myself, this will be a hard time for me. Ce la vi. This is what my vast collection of 80s alternative music is perfect for.
MJ reminded me in her response to US mom's day that this time last year we were in Italy...so I went back and reread my harried and discombubilated entries (I am lazy and linked to my May 07 archive, just scroll down a bit) and dude! I think I need to travel more! My posts are so much more entertaining when I'm not wallowing in my own personal misery!
Aaauuuummmm, have a temple:
Hmmm, must take my own advice soon. Even if it's just traveling around Seattle. I do have my trip to the mall to relate...but I'll save that for when I'm not listening to such favorites as "Doot Doot" by Freur and dwelling on the negative.
I shall end on a happier note a there's still an hour and a half until the date changes:
HAPPY MOM'S DAY
Friday, May 09, 2008
And Yet I Wonder Why My Arm Hurts?
My "crack-head" like reflexes brought to you by too many clickety video games...
Created by OnePlusYou
Created by OnePlusYou
Tuesday, May 06, 2008
Email Makes You Lazy
I cannot believe I just had 5 different "conversations" with people ON MY FLOOR via email. Has it really come down to our having "so much" to do that we can't even take the time to walk down the hall? But I guess it would, what with salutations, minor chit chat about how everything is going...then getting to the question...or do people even bother with pleasantries anymore?
Sorry, is my age showing?
Sorry, is my age showing?
Saturday, May 03, 2008
Do "Bad Things" Happen in 3s or 6s?
Disclaimer:
I think this post got away from me...but I've decided not to delete or edit out the extra. It is terribly long, with no pictures, and has absolutely nothing to do with knitting, but I think it was time for it to come out.
I never thought of myself as superstitious. Can you blame me? I grew up in and around so much folklore and superstition it boggled my mind when, upon meeting people who didn't grow up just like me, just how provincial-old-world-supercalifragilistically-stitious I was.
I tried to ween myself off of most of it, but well, um, well, I can't. Yeah, I believe in ghosts... and then there are red moons and of course there was that time when I thought the head (on a silver platter no less) of John the Baptist was chasing me down the hallways of my old high school that summer I was 9 and helping my mom clean the nun's quarters...the stories I keep meaning to tell and then don't, I know.
So is it three years of bad luck and 6 of good? Things happen in 3s of course, but bad things as well as good? Or is it just bad things? Do they have to happen directly to me or do close family and friends count? How far apart do they have to happen? It's silly that I need to find a way to label series of happenings. It's a way of controlling things you can't control, I guess.
If I name a thing, does it really go away? I think that was something my mom said so I wouldn't keep things bottled up inside. In my family we are very good at keeping things bottled up, tension rising until BOOM! Drama galore. Or best yet, taking all the anger you've kept from showing to peeps at work and friends and BOOM! Right at your family cuz, yeah, they can't fire you or stop being your family, no matter how much you might want to divorce them! Ah those horrible teen years...
So as I keep baring my soul to the universe here, I think I want to list out the bad and the good to keep my universe/karma/yin-yang ratio clear. And no bottling...with the amount of ranting I do on here I'm sure I've got that on a good level.
Have I mentioned my godmother is doing better? I was finally able to send her flowers as she was moved out of ICU (which was the bad bad bad). I think that whole situation may have started my brain rolling on the good and bad that is going on in my life.
Another good is my "new" old job. I am WAY overwhelmed with my new duties, (bad?) but I can see how I will like it much more than data entry and filing.
And then there is the big bad that I've been "la-la-la-ing" for a while now. It's all hear-say and conjecture on my part because, as with most one-sided things that are rolling around in my head, I have no solid evidence. But that doesn't keep me from forming a theory: I think my older brother has stopped all communication with me. You know, the one who commented back in December? The one whose comment was the straw that just broke me after all of the big-badda-boom bad that was going on during that time? So I posted that other post to just let it all out?
So maybe you can't divorce your family, but you sure can pretend they don't exist. Or so I'm guessing is his solution. I kinda wish he'd let me know for sure though, for closure.
I think it was at the end of March that I realized we hadn't spoken or emailed since "the incident." Right, three months. See, I was talking to my mom while doing my grocery shopping when I asked her what she was doing for Bunny day. She said they were combining Easter with my SIL's b-day party and I went "crapcrapcrapcrap" (in my head), and asked when it was as I no longer had my brain to tell me such things as EVERYONE's birthdays (technology sucks). So I asked my mom to give my SIL birthday wishes/greetings from me. And then, there in the bread aisle, it all clicked into place -- I'd heard nothing from my brother since receiving his xmas card with some CA state lottery tickets inside.
Nothing.
I'd emailed him a couple times but (and this is kinda bad on my part...) hadn't noticed he didn't reply. I can chalk it up to one of the messages being about my lil' bro's birthday present and my lil' bro and I went off on 20 to 30 emails for details and specifics and I kinda just didn't notice the lack of older brother's responses...Then there was the bigger clue that I totally spaced...there was no word/email/card from him for my birthday. But it's not like I'm turning 12 and need to be reminded I'm older, right? I would have done something about it then, but that was also the conversation where my mom brought up the fact that my godmother was in the hospital and yeah, my brain tucked everything else aside for that bit of news.
But now it's a month-plus later and one more email incident that kinda clinched it for me. My first name and my SILs are very similar. Auto-fill can easily send things to my inbox instead of hers -- from my older brother's computer at work that is. I tend to let him know when those incidents happen and that's usually when we "chat" via email and catch up. You can tell we are not regular correspondents.
Well, I got a misdirected email from him the other day. I let him know it wasn't for me and then...silence. No word. No thanks, not even a "stay away from me and my family and never email me again, bitch!"
Nothing.
From my mom I hear that things are going well with them--as in her relationship with my older brother and SIL. I bring this up because I am not their next-door neighbor, she is. I live 1,144 miles away. I am a birthday/xmas relation. If he/they want to pretend I don't exist but their relationship with my mom is good? It's not really going to affect me.
I checked out of "casa de mom and dad" when I was 18. I have not lived full-time in LA since then. It's been 16 years. Who I am right now, at 34 years old, is not the same person I was then. I've been trying to piece this out here and in my journals and in my head. I keep coming back to something my mom told me oh so very long ago, what the original purpose was I couldn't say. I think it had something to do with family and maybe even 1,000 mile relations down in Mexico, I know it fits, "Not everyone is going to like you, not everyone HAS to like you, but that doesn't mean you have to treat them badly or not like them back."
So now my brother, possibly through my blog, knows me for who I really am. Knows all the secrets I've given out to the universe. Shared all that someone who grew up so very conservatively should never have. And he doesn't like what he sees. I've already apologized...but if I wouldn't even change for the guy I married? Why would I change for anyone else but me?
I know, I am a horrible person. I've been told so all my life. I do not do as I am told. I break so many rules, and maybe my mom's heart, on a fairly consistent and regular basis. I am very selfish. I have a sense of humor only I understand. I am sarcastic. I will lie to you if it means I can avoid hurting you. I will lie to you if it means I can hurt you for hurting me. I am tactlessly honest. I am tired of living for other people.
So if all this has to happen so the universe can keep itself from coming apart at the seams, I'm not going to stop it, but please note I'm acknowledging it and putting in my $.02, for what they're worth (not much with the falling dollar...).
I think this post got away from me...but I've decided not to delete or edit out the extra. It is terribly long, with no pictures, and has absolutely nothing to do with knitting, but I think it was time for it to come out.
I never thought of myself as superstitious. Can you blame me? I grew up in and around so much folklore and superstition it boggled my mind when, upon meeting people who didn't grow up just like me, just how provincial-old-world-supercalifragilistically-stitious I was.
I tried to ween myself off of most of it, but well, um, well, I can't. Yeah, I believe in ghosts... and then there are red moons and of course there was that time when I thought the head (on a silver platter no less) of John the Baptist was chasing me down the hallways of my old high school that summer I was 9 and helping my mom clean the nun's quarters...the stories I keep meaning to tell and then don't, I know.
So is it three years of bad luck and 6 of good? Things happen in 3s of course, but bad things as well as good? Or is it just bad things? Do they have to happen directly to me or do close family and friends count? How far apart do they have to happen? It's silly that I need to find a way to label series of happenings. It's a way of controlling things you can't control, I guess.
If I name a thing, does it really go away? I think that was something my mom said so I wouldn't keep things bottled up inside. In my family we are very good at keeping things bottled up, tension rising until BOOM! Drama galore. Or best yet, taking all the anger you've kept from showing to peeps at work and friends and BOOM! Right at your family cuz, yeah, they can't fire you or stop being your family, no matter how much you might want to divorce them! Ah those horrible teen years...
So as I keep baring my soul to the universe here, I think I want to list out the bad and the good to keep my universe/karma/yin-yang ratio clear. And no bottling...with the amount of ranting I do on here I'm sure I've got that on a good level.
Have I mentioned my godmother is doing better? I was finally able to send her flowers as she was moved out of ICU (which was the bad bad bad). I think that whole situation may have started my brain rolling on the good and bad that is going on in my life.
Another good is my "new" old job. I am WAY overwhelmed with my new duties, (bad?) but I can see how I will like it much more than data entry and filing.
And then there is the big bad that I've been "la-la-la-ing" for a while now. It's all hear-say and conjecture on my part because, as with most one-sided things that are rolling around in my head, I have no solid evidence. But that doesn't keep me from forming a theory: I think my older brother has stopped all communication with me. You know, the one who commented back in December? The one whose comment was the straw that just broke me after all of the big-badda-boom bad that was going on during that time? So I posted that other post to just let it all out?
So maybe you can't divorce your family, but you sure can pretend they don't exist. Or so I'm guessing is his solution. I kinda wish he'd let me know for sure though, for closure.
I think it was at the end of March that I realized we hadn't spoken or emailed since "the incident." Right, three months. See, I was talking to my mom while doing my grocery shopping when I asked her what she was doing for Bunny day. She said they were combining Easter with my SIL's b-day party and I went "crapcrapcrapcrap" (in my head), and asked when it was as I no longer had my brain to tell me such things as EVERYONE's birthdays (technology sucks). So I asked my mom to give my SIL birthday wishes/greetings from me. And then, there in the bread aisle, it all clicked into place -- I'd heard nothing from my brother since receiving his xmas card with some CA state lottery tickets inside.
Nothing.
I'd emailed him a couple times but (and this is kinda bad on my part...) hadn't noticed he didn't reply. I can chalk it up to one of the messages being about my lil' bro's birthday present and my lil' bro and I went off on 20 to 30 emails for details and specifics and I kinda just didn't notice the lack of older brother's responses...Then there was the bigger clue that I totally spaced...there was no word/email/card from him for my birthday. But it's not like I'm turning 12 and need to be reminded I'm older, right? I would have done something about it then, but that was also the conversation where my mom brought up the fact that my godmother was in the hospital and yeah, my brain tucked everything else aside for that bit of news.
But now it's a month-plus later and one more email incident that kinda clinched it for me. My first name and my SILs are very similar. Auto-fill can easily send things to my inbox instead of hers -- from my older brother's computer at work that is. I tend to let him know when those incidents happen and that's usually when we "chat" via email and catch up. You can tell we are not regular correspondents.
Well, I got a misdirected email from him the other day. I let him know it wasn't for me and then...silence. No word. No thanks, not even a "stay away from me and my family and never email me again, bitch!"
Nothing.
From my mom I hear that things are going well with them--as in her relationship with my older brother and SIL. I bring this up because I am not their next-door neighbor, she is. I live 1,144 miles away. I am a birthday/xmas relation. If he/they want to pretend I don't exist but their relationship with my mom is good? It's not really going to affect me.
I checked out of "casa de mom and dad" when I was 18. I have not lived full-time in LA since then. It's been 16 years. Who I am right now, at 34 years old, is not the same person I was then. I've been trying to piece this out here and in my journals and in my head. I keep coming back to something my mom told me oh so very long ago, what the original purpose was I couldn't say. I think it had something to do with family and maybe even 1,000 mile relations down in Mexico, I know it fits, "Not everyone is going to like you, not everyone HAS to like you, but that doesn't mean you have to treat them badly or not like them back."
So now my brother, possibly through my blog, knows me for who I really am. Knows all the secrets I've given out to the universe. Shared all that someone who grew up so very conservatively should never have. And he doesn't like what he sees. I've already apologized...but if I wouldn't even change for the guy I married? Why would I change for anyone else but me?
I know, I am a horrible person. I've been told so all my life. I do not do as I am told. I break so many rules, and maybe my mom's heart, on a fairly consistent and regular basis. I am very selfish. I have a sense of humor only I understand. I am sarcastic. I will lie to you if it means I can avoid hurting you. I will lie to you if it means I can hurt you for hurting me. I am tactlessly honest. I am tired of living for other people.
So if all this has to happen so the universe can keep itself from coming apart at the seams, I'm not going to stop it, but please note I'm acknowledging it and putting in my $.02, for what they're worth (not much with the falling dollar...).
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